So it began...

I remember the last night I got to spend with my husband before he was deployed to Iraq. It was nerve racking and devasting all at the same time. I recall laying in bed with only negative thoughts and fellings running through my head and body  as I lay next to him for the last time. All I could think of is when the next time it'd be that I get to see or touch him again, or even if there was going to be a next time. I laid in bed with his arms tightly wrapped around me as I wept his every last second home with me. I knew this would be the hardest ocbstacle we'd ever face as a married couple. I never imagined it would be as hard as I realize now. That next morning, his last here in the states, was stressful for the both of us and unquestionably unforgettable. I remained strong and without tears as we woke up to eachothers faces for that last time. As the morning slowly turned to the afternoon it was time to head off. As we drove to his company to sit with our soldiers for their final hours before they left I could feel the car closing in on me, my emotions began to stir. As we walked into the company it felt as if it was filled with saddness, fear, and depression. These were the looks on everyones faces. Most of everyone had tears streaming down their faces as they clutched their soldiers arms pullin them closer and closer as if they'd never let go. I still have yet to release one tear. I felt remorse for not only myself but for everyone there, because I knew exactly what they were feeling. As time for departure neared we walked out to the car to say our final goodbyes. I was slowly panicing and regretting every second I never told him I loved him or kissed him one more time. As his leadership called out " five minutes", he pulled me near and squeezed me tight and told me he loved me more than anything. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, as I looked up at him to kiss him he told me it'll all be okay. I didn't believe him. We shared our last kiss at that moment and he told me he had to go. I felt my cheeks turning red and my heart pounding harder and faster as I watched him walk away. As I drove off I looked in the mirror to get one last glance of the love of my life, I then lost it. I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, all I could do was cry and hurt. I have never felt pain until that day, and I will never forget how that day felt. I prayed it wouldn't be the last time i'd ever see him again and that I would have strength to make it through this deployment.
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 It has been almost three months since he has left. It is no where near easier, only managable. Nights seem to be the hardest when you lay down to an empty bed. Mornings now are just another day. It never got easier and I fear it never will. I constantly wait by the computer of phone to get just those few minutes to know he's okay. I miss him so much, more than I thought I could ever miss someone. It is still up in the air on when they will be home, but I just found out he will not be here for the birth of our first child, a baby girl. Its devasting not knowing. Although everyday is a challenge I will remain by his side and stay strong for him. I know its not easy on him as well. I just cant wait until he returns home.