Being pregnant while my husband is deployed is the worst part of it all. I was about 16 weeks along when he was deployed, I am now 25 weeks. I didn't even know the sex yet. She was a blessing, but was it the right timing? There are just so many feelings and emotions that come with being pregnant, and your husband being deployed on top of that. I not only feel sympathy for myself and my own reasons but for my husband. He has to miss EVERYTHING, and I know that's a big burden to him. Every time she kicks or moves I wish he could be here to experience it with me. I hate that the only way he sees the ultasound pictures is if I e-mail them to him or put them on facebook. I know he'd much rather be at the doctor with me right beside me. Just like yesterday I had an ultrasound and got to see her in 3D. It was amazing, she looks just like he daddy. I hated that I didn't get to see the smile on his face when he opened that e-mail. It broke my heart. I hate knowing that he is hurting and worrying because he can't be here. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that this deployment is going to bring him so much closer to her and make him a more fantastic dad.
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I was informed that he wouldn't be home for the birth, November 28, 2011. This news crushed me, the worst news I've recieved yet. I know this is common for a military wife to get news like this but I never thought I would get it. She is our first baby, how am I supposed to do this without him here? I am now more nervous and scared about giving birth more than I ever was before. What if i go into labor alone? What if something goes wrong? I have sat here day to day and thought up a million what if's. I try not to show him how freaked out and stressed I am about this because I don't want this to be another burden on him as well. I hate knowing that when he meets her he will already have missed so much, how does someone deal with that?
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I know I must pull through this not only for us but for our daughter. I need to be strong and conquer my fears just as my husband does everyday. The things we do as army wives, our constant choices, decisions, struggles, and things we give up. It is the life we have chosen to live. We now must live it, like or not.
-Audrey Ford-
I remember the last night I got to spend with my husband before he was deployed to Iraq. It was nerve racking and devasting all at the same time. I recall laying in bed with only negative thoughts and fellings running through my head and body as I lay next to him for the last time. All I could think of is when the next time it'd be that I get to see or touch him again, or even if there was going to be a next time. I laid in bed with his arms tightly wrapped around me as I wept his every last second home with me. I knew this would be the hardest ocbstacle we'd ever face as a married couple. I never imagined it would be as hard as I realize now. That next morning, his last here in the states, was stressful for the both of us and unquestionably unforgettable. I remained strong and without tears as we woke up to eachothers faces for that last time. As the morning slowly turned to the afternoon it was time to head off. As we drove to his company to sit with our soldiers for their final hours before they left I could feel the car closing in on me, my emotions began to stir. As we walked into the company it felt as if it was filled with saddness, fear, and depression. These were the looks on everyones faces. Most of everyone had tears streaming down their faces as they clutched their soldiers arms pullin them closer and closer as if they'd never let go. I still have yet to release one tear. I felt remorse for not only myself but for everyone there, because I knew exactly what they were feeling. As time for departure neared we walked out to the car to say our final goodbyes. I was slowly panicing and regretting every second I never told him I loved him or kissed him one more time. As his leadership called out " five minutes", he pulled me near and squeezed me tight and told me he loved me more than anything. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, as I looked up at him to kiss him he told me it'll all be okay. I didn't believe him. We shared our last kiss at that moment and he told me he had to go. I felt my cheeks turning red and my heart pounding harder and faster as I watched him walk away. As I drove off I looked in the mirror to get one last glance of the love of my life, I then lost it. I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, all I could do was cry and hurt. I have never felt pain until that day, and I will never forget how that day felt. I prayed it wouldn't be the last time i'd ever see him again and that I would have strength to make it through this deployment.
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It has been almost three months since he has left. It is no where near easier, only managable. Nights seem to be the hardest when you lay down to an empty bed. Mornings now are just another day. It never got easier and I fear it never will. I constantly wait by the computer of phone to get just those few minutes to know he's okay. I miss him so much, more than I thought I could ever miss someone. It is still up in the air on when they will be home, but I just found out he will not be here for the birth of our first child, a baby girl. Its devasting not knowing. Although everyday is a challenge I will remain by his side and stay strong for him. I know its not easy on him as well. I just cant wait until he returns home.
